• Listening



"It is the province of knowledge to speak and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen."

Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)




"The tendency to react to any emotionally meaningful statement by forming an evaluation of it from our own perspective is the major barrier to interpersonal communication."

Carl Rogers




"The important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said."

Peter Drucker




It is good to demonstrate that you are interested in the conversation by maintaining a good level of eye contact with the speaker, using supportive body language such as nods and vocals like "hmm", "ok"...




Practise rephrasing; this is a key skill for demonstrating that you have listened to them (not necessarily agreed). Experience of influencing in general has shown that people want the opportunity to be listened to and understood, and not necessarily agreed.





Questioning and probing is the hall-mark of a good influencer.

The natural tendency of many influencers is to talk too much. This results in leading the influencee to the influencer's way of thinking and thus limiting the ability of the discussion to reach a mutually successful outcome.

An effective influencer not only advocates his own views but also uses questioning to inquire about the other party's perspectives on the issue.

Both open ("what do you think of...") and closed ("do you agree that...") questions should be used; the first ones to explore the issue deeply and the second ones to control the discussion.

Types of open questions:

- probing involves asking linked questions in order to drill deeper and deeper into an issue: "what makes you say that?"

- clarification question: "so what you are saying is that..."




Effective questions encourage people to answer freely and honestly. They should be phrased positively, be short and to the point (avoid rambling), and demonstrate interest and understanding.




Questions can also be used to convey an idea/convince about something, or to motivate: discuss/ask about the means to reach a goal, and it will develop what is needs to reach the goal.




• Body language (of both influencer and influencee)



A researcher argued that non-verbal communication could account for more than 65% of the interaction (Birdwhistle, 1900). The percentage varies according to the context.




The most important messages of all are conveyed by eye contacts — the ability to engage in and maintain eye contact in an effective manner.

Adopting the appropriate gaze level with people during conversation in order to convey messages like sincerity, interest and empathy is important for effective influencing. People who find it difficult to gain and maintain eye contact can be regarded suspiciously by others, while those who find it easy to do so are more likely to be regarded as confident, knowledgeable and in control.




When interacting with other the most impactful and positive facial expression is the use of the smile, which indicates a degree of interest and happiness to take part in the conversation, as well as a willingness to listen.




• Verbal communication



Nero Linguistic Programming (NLP) reveals that somebody's language reveals his/her predominant sub-modality: visual, auditory or kinaesthetic.

Using his/her sub-modality then creates better rapport.




Choose words that are colourful, to appeal all the senses and raise interest.




Verbal fluency is the ability to put forward a clear and lucid case with confidence and flair is a major benefit for any influencer. Skill in this area demonstrates not only knowledge of the issue but also commitment, enthusiasm and level of involvement in the issue under discussion. Use of sophisticated techniques such as metaphor, analogy and visioning is highly beneficial.

In addition there is a very close link to awareness of body language; how you use your voice and non-verbals to assist in getting your message across is all part of verbal fluency. Choosing words carefully with the receiver in mind, avoiding the use of negative statements and expressing yourself in an authentic and genuine manner all contribute to your verbal fluency.

Understand the concerns and motivations of others. 'If I was them, what would influence me?'

Involves a process of building rapport, which is a key skill; not having it deprives of the capacity to influence.

Method of building rapport: listening, showing interest and empathy (requires sincerity to be effective).

Demonstrating sincerity implies the building of a relationship of trust; it is through trust that influencing builds up. Openness and genuineness contribute to sincerity. If the receiver feels he/she cannot trust the person attempting to influence, success is improbable.

Pacing (=calibrage) is a technique from Neuro Linguistic Programming which is useful for showing empathy and building rapport. It involves the adaptation to the way the receiver speaks verbally or not. If you are very tall and influencing someone who is much shorter then bend down a bit, or sit down, don't stand next to them and overpower them. It is similar to when talking to a child: crouch down to his level. It is important to regulate rather than imitate, which can be easily counter-productive. Pacing is not so much about matching as it is about avoiding mismatching.

"Whoever desires constant success must change his conduct with the times."

Nicolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)

Adaptability applies with different kinds of people and different contexts.

It involves openness, flexibility, the capacity to be influenced.

Technique: imitative openness

Influencing is all about change: the influencer expects a change in the influencee.

If the influencer demonstrates adaptability, he shows that he is ready to change to the influencee, so this one can imitate the influencer and change also, to adopt the position of the influencee. (social law of reciprocity/ 2-way process)

It is advisable that you hold back any strong emotion about the issue, even if the other person let them go. It is a way to avoid the creation of an interpersonal conflict. That is the reason why it is best to look like staying neutral. A further technique is to investigate the other person's needs, which will rationally help solve the problem, and demonstrate your empathy in the process.

Ultimately, this helps build a compromise and collaborate in the long run.

Showing energy and commitment to making things happen, projecting confidence, a can-do attitude.

Successful and effective influencers are very aware of the impact and impression they create and manage this very carefully.

First impressions are often long lasting.

Patience is not only a virtue but also a necessity where influencing is concerned. Influencing does not just happen overnight, it is a long-term process. Where people and their emotions are involved, time and timing must also play a part.

Being credible is a long-term process, related to reputation, which is based on perceptions of how we deal with others in a wide range of situations. Personal credibility and track record are therefore vital for gaining people's interest and trust.

Having the courage to speak up for your own ideas and beliefs involves taking risks — rather calculated risks, which then requires a deep knowledge of the issue. Afterwards, it is useful to convey the idea with enthusiasm/passion and commitment. Enthusiasm/passion involves the flashing display of a high state of energy, whereas commitment is a steady resource.

Anticipation of alternative points of view is the key, as it enables to prepare in advance and possibly evoke the matter pre-emptively to put it down more easily. This also demonstrates openness and consistency/systematic thinking.

The influencer has to overcome the resistance to change of the influencee; to do so he has to present the issue in a way that wouldn't bump against the reason of the resistance. Identifying the reason of the resistance is therefore essential.

Influencing implies putting forward your ideas with conviction and enthusiasm and be able to win the support of others by involvement, participation. Although this can seem quite obvious, this is often lacking in managers. The starting point is to believe in his own idea, and only then make people believe in it.

Technique: praise to put down

When somebody says something that you don't agree with, find a piece in his/her idea that can be useful, and point it out. But it would then mean that the rest is compromised. (ex: "what I like in what you said is that...") The other person would be pleased with your appraisal, and possibly wouldn't figure out that you dismantled his/her idea.

Awareness of the operating of people, processes, stakeholders of the organisation, in order to act upon the determining ones in the appropriate way.

Reflects a degree of tacit knowledge, and involves diplomacy.

Political sensitivity is most necessary when challenging the status quo.

Reflection is useful to define what works and what fails when dealing with others in general or a particular person, and what should be done in the future.

Self awareness also implies asking others for feedback.

If asked generally, it can prove to be a bit useful as the answer may be very vague or narrow. It works better when focusing the topic of the feedback (ex: listening/ convincing/ body language).

Asking feedback to someone can also increase the relationship of trust.

"No man that does not see visions will ever realise any high hope or undertake any high enterprise."

Woodrow Wilson (1856-1924)

Exposing the future made possible by your idea in terms of images, symbols, metaphors, analogies... As a picture paints a thousand words, visioning can facilitate the understanding of a complex issue.

It is a highly effective way to raise people's interest, inspiration and commitment.

However, visioning must be backed; otherwise it could be regarded as a mere dream.